DCCC Delivers Speaker Ryan His “Trump Starter Kit”

By: Meredith Kelly

In the wake of Donald Trump’s decisive Super Tuesday performance, it’s clear that Paul Ryan and his fellow House Republican incumbents need to start preparing to have Trump at the top of the Republican ticket this November. Ryan’s own polling shows that this is bad news for House Republicans, with a plurality of respondents saying they “would be less likely to vote for a Republican congressional candidate or incumbent if Trump were the nominee,” according to POLITICO.

But Speaker Ryan seems to be a “make lemonade from lemons” kind of guy, so we wanted to help him embrace the bombastic businessman. The DCCC is delivering Paul Ryan a “Trump Starter Kit” today including: Trump’s seminal work The Art of the Deal, the first season of The Apprentice, a calendar of key dates (like April 5th – the day Trump will likely win the Wisconsin primary in Ryan’s home state), and of course – some antacids for the Trump-induced heartburn Ryan is clearly struggling with.

Paul Ryan’s ‘Year of Ideas’ is clearly no match for Trump’s demagoguery, which has taken over the Republican party and completely pushed aside Ryan’s ambitious, if hollow, policy agenda. Speaker Ryan could clearly use some inspiration as he struggles to find his footing in a chaotic Republican party that prefers insult-slinging to empty policy platitudes, and who better to learn from than The Donald himself.

Handy-Dandy Calendar Of Upcoming Trump Milestones:

  • March 3 – Republican debate in Detroit – prep for any potential fallout from Trump’s inevitably offensive performance. Note: Megyn Kelly is one of the moderators – make sure to specifically polish anti-misogyny TPs.
  • March 8 – HI caucus, ID, MI, MS primaries.
  • March 10 – Republican debate in Miami – see previous debate note.
  • March 12 – DC convention.
  • March 15 – FL, IL, MO, NC, OH primaries. Also House GOP leadership presser – but let’s be honest: the questions will probably all be about Trump again. Save your ideas agenda TPs for another day?
  • March 17 – St. Patrick’s Day – yeah, not even the luck of the Irish will save you from the downballot disaster of Trump.
  • March 21 – Republican debate in Salt Lake City – see previous debate note. (Will Rubio have even made it this far??)
  • March 22 – AZ primary, UT caucus.
  • April 5 – Wisconsin primary. Note: polls show Trump with lead amongst Republicans in Wisconsin . . . but no evidence of crossover appeal. Maybe vote absentee & avoid reporters?
  • April 19 – NY primary.
  • April 26 – Melania’s birthday. Also: CT, DE, MD, PA, RI primaries.
  • May 3 – IN primary.
  • May 7Kiwanis Pancake Day in Racine – reminder: take Speaker Vos aside, discuss media training – he can’t keep admitting how bad Trump will be for rest of the ticket.
  • May 10 – NE & WV primaries.
  • May 17 – OR primary.
  • May 24 – WA primary.
  • May 27-30Brat Fest in Madison – work with Trump team on how to pronounce “brat” – wouldn’t want him embarrassing the party or anything.
  • May 30 – walk in Memorial Day parade in Janesville – be prepared to answer uncomfortable questions on Trump’s disparaging remarks about war heroes like Sen. John McCain.
  • June 7 – CA, MT, NJ, NM & SD primaries.
  • June 14 – Donald’s birthday. What to get for the man who has everything . . .
  • July 4 – walk in Racine Fourth Fest parade – will probably be sunny, remember to wash Make America Great Again hat in advance.
  • July 18-21 – RNC Convention. Remember to revamp speech – cut references to year of ideas (RIP), ask Donald for input.
  • August 7 – Packers play Hall of Fame game against the Colts to open the preseason. Prep Donald’s team on how to pronounce “Lambeau,” not to bring up overtime rules (too soon).
  • September 5 – Labor Day. Prepare for questions on Trump empire’s dismal record on working families.
  • October 30 – Ivanka’s birthday.
  • November 8 – Make sure to have the TPs ready . . .
  • November 9 – Ugh. At least deer season starts in a few weeks??

**Ahead of primaries & caucuses above, prepare vulnerable House Republicans to talk about how they voted